The First Good-Bye

Why does tonight, have to end?
Why don’t we hit restart,
and pause it at our favorite parts.
We’ll skip the goodbyes
If i had it my way,
I’d turn the car around and runaway,
Just you and I.

Today, I had to start my good-byes. Today, I held back my tears as I hugged my friends from older classes- people that have finished class, will take their exams, and go off on vacation. The people that were so nice to me from the beginning to the end- that included me, encouraged me, and were true friends of mine.

Today, I realized even more than before how much this country means to me. I realized how much it's impacted my life. I realized that letting it go is going to be nearly impossible.

Today, I'm having trouble letting go. I'm having a difficult time processing things. The day was a blur. The sun was out, but I didn't feel very happy. Classes are ending, but I wish they weren't. 

Today, my friends wrote in my book. Some wrote poems, some wrote letters, some wrote one page, some wrote two. One person even wrote me a song. It was in nearly perfect English. It was beautiful. I couldn't have asked for better friends here. I don't want to say good-bye. I don't want to leave this.

Today, I was sitting in class next to my best French friend I've ever had. It dawned on me then, that a week from today, I'll have to say good-bye to him too. He was there for me every second- even when no one else seemed to be. He helped sort out my problems. He made me laugh when I was homesick. He made me stick it out when things didn't seem like they would get better. He will always have a special place in my heart. He knows so much about life for someone that is only sixteen. He taught me more things this year than some of my teachers. He is truly an amazing friend. Saying good-bye to him will be too hard, and I'm sure he doesn't want to say good-bye to me either.

I hate good-byes. I hate the empty feeling in my chest when you hug a close friend, knowing that you might be hugging them for the last time. We hug tighter to try and compensate for that feeling of loss, but it's no use. There's always a bus to take, a train to catch, or a parent waiting in their car. Good-byes can't last forever. That's why it's called a good-bye. 

So here I am. Here I am, hating that I have to say good-bye to this. Here I am, wondering how I'm going to fit everything in my suitcase. Here I am, beyond sad, and yet happy at the same time. The feelings of leaving are so mixed, I don't know what to think anymore. It's not going to be easy to leave. It's not going to be easy saying good-bye.

I'm already saying good-bye. I already miss this country,  and I still have a month to go.